My Everything
by Cammie Fujisaki
Summary: Fujisaki Nadeshiko was beautiful, smart, and incredibly polite, so when Tadase moves to a small town on the outskirts of Japan, it makes no sense to him why she is hated by the entire community. Even after discovering the truth of her identity, he finds himself unable to pull himself away, even despite the risks. Rewrite of my story "Dissonance in My Head" circa 2012 (yowza)
1. Chapter 1

A/N:Don't put too much thought into some of the cultural aspects. For example, I decided upon moving Tadase to Bifuka because it is a small town far from major cities such as Tokyo. That being said, I don't know anything about it. I didn't want to have to invent a town name though lol.

I added OC's because, well I didn't want to portray any of the SC characters (even minor ones such as Fuyuki) to be such horrible people. I hope you don't mind.

Also… This can sort of be interpreted as an alternate universe to the original DMH, or can be stand alone. I really don't care. If you haven't read the original don't bother; this one is superior lol. (I have gotten rid of some transphobic elements that I didn't fully comprehend in the past).

This will be crossposted to Ao3. The version there will be M rated, this one will be T rated (in upcoming chapters). Read that version if you want to see sexual content lmao. Otherwise, they will be the same.

Anyways- I hope you enjoy. This was my favorite story to write, and it's been nagging me to rewrite it for years.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It really was a blessing, Tadase thought, that his father got transferred to the small town of Bifuka.

Normally, getting uprooted right at the beginning of your third year of high school would be the end of the world for any student; new house, new classes, new classmates…. But Tadase could not be any happier with his current situation.

High School had been, well… _bad_ , back in Tokyo. While Tadase had been blessed throughout his middle school years (student body president, "prince" of the school; respected by the boys, fawned over by the girls), his high school years were a completely different story.

Tadase assumed he had been struck with a series of bad luck. His first week at Seiyo High School started out with Saaya, a second year girl with a ridiculously conceited personality (and not quite the looks to match) pursuing him. Now normally he could just brush her off with a kind word or two (he had gotten very used to this back in middle school) but the problem laid in the fact that Saaya was Shuraiya's ("king" of the school, with the lackeys to match his position) so called "girlfriend."

Even as Tadase vehemently denied her pursuits (why did this guy even want her- she was atrocious!) he found that it did not matter; he had landed himself on the outside of a group of boys that held an immense amount of power.

Perhaps the second strike was his good grades. He found himself acing test after test (it wasn't like he was particularly smart or anything; his mother forced him into a relentless schedule of supplementary classes!) as the rest of the class failed.

"Why can't you be more like Hotori-kun?" 

Nobody wanted their teacher to say that about them. From that point on, Tadase could feel the eyes on the back of his neck whenever he finished a test earlier, or answered a question from the teacher.

Now perhaps he could have survived all of this- maybe he could have salvaged his reputation. But then the scandal struck the school.

It really had nothing to do with him at all, yet it brought Tadase's entire high school career to an end.

His uncle, Amakawa Tsukasa, Principal of Seiyo High School, was found with one of the second year boys.

Disgusting, Tadase had thought. Pedophilia was an abomination. He was not overly concerned with the fact that it was a boy rather a girl (equally disgusting, abusing a minor- what difference did it make?) but his peers thought otherwise.

Tadase knew there would be social ramifications; his family had cut ties with his uncle the moment they heard the news. Tsukasa had tried calling his mother and his lawyer had tried to get into contact with her but nobody would pick up the phone. They went along with the police interrogation, without a single positive word to say for the man's sake.

Tadase knew he would face backlash, but he didn't think it would come to this.

He cursed his mother for giving him the same face as his pedophiliac uncle (how did genetics even go that?). Tadase had always looked a bit too feminine, but the slurs of queer and fag had always been used sparingly up until this point. After his uncle though, Tadase found himself absolutely ridiculed.

It didn't really make sense to him; judging a person based on their face and their family was not an accurate way to determine sexuality. It wasn't as if he was always hanging around "suspicious" types; the only guys he even really talked to were Kukai and Kairi! He had even dated Amu (well known for her unattainability) for over two years! He never so much as glanced at other boys in the changing room, and never so much as thought about heading into the red-light district.

But alas, people jump to conclusions. And thus, by halfway through his first year of high school, he had become _the_ social pariah of Seiyo (perhaps even Tokyo).

So when Tadase was presented with the opportunity to start all over in a new town, where no one knew his pervy uncle, where he wouldn't find tacks in his shoes, where he wouldn't have "fag" hurled at him wherever he went, he couldn't have been happier.

And that was why he was _not_ going to mess this up.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Although he would call them his friends, Tadase wasn't quite sure if he liked Shuu and the others. They could be a little… abrasive. Sure, they got along well enough with the majority of the other students (they were actually pretty popular) but they could be a bit misogynistic every now and again.

Tadase supposed this was none of his business though.

Occasionally the three boys could get a bit rougher with certain students. Nothing as tough as what Tadase faced back in Tokyo, of course, but there was a bit of coercion of the nerds to "help" with their homework or "lend" them some lunch money. Overall though, it was pretty harmless stuff, so Tadase did not mind keeping his nose out of it.

Well, except for the exception.

Tadase called this case "the exception" because Shuu's group was not alone in this case of bullying. Tadase could almost see himself reflected back at him through Bifuka's pariah. Astoundingly, almost every student was outwardly hostile or aggressive to her. While most of Seiyo had ignored the treatment of Tadase, he found that the number of people who simply turned a blind eye to this pariah's plight was a vast minority. Boys or girls, they all were incredibly antagonistic towards her. And it was absolutely baffling to Tadase.

Because Fujisaki Nadeshiko was absolutely gorgeous.

Nadeshiko was the kind of girl that would be stopped on the streets by scouts back in Tokyo. She would've been the queen of the school, leaving a witch such as Yamabuki Saaya far in the dust. The girls would have followed her around, practically worshipping her. The boys would have tripped over themselves to get a chance to even talk to her. She easily would have been student body president, the pride of the school.

But here she was absolutely ridiculed.

Tadase's curiosity finally got the best of him one day. He had been doing his best not to rock the boat (this was his second chance after all- he better not blow it) but he could finally stand it no longer. His heart had ached seeing her treated the way he related to (all too well, mind you) but he had decided there was nothing to do for it. One student, and a new one at that, could not elicit any major change.

But he was just so damn curious. Just _why_ had Nadeshiko become the outcast? A beautiful, intelligent girl from a long-standing family in the community should, logically, not be facing this sort of treatment.

As he voiced his question, three heads turned to look at him with equally incredulous looks.

"What-" Shuu asked, his mouth full of curry pan, ("Dude don't talk with your mouth full that's gross!") "You've got the hots for 'em or something?"

"No!" Tadase insisted (perhaps a little bit too strongly), his cheeks reddening. Tadase did not get many crushes (he had once pretended to be in love with a girl who was in actuality his dog, just to skirt around a particularly sticky confession from a very attractive yet adamant girl) but Nadeshiko was very pretty; perhaps there was some sort of potential….

"It's just a bit surprising," Tadase decided upon saying, "as she's so pretty."

Takashi snorted and Shuu continued chewing his bread without pause, a smirk lifting his full cheeks. Keiichi, on the other hand, looked positively disgusted.

"Oh my fucking god," Keiichi spat out, "I'm gonna barf. I can't believe you can't see it."

"See what?" Tadase was puzzled. He turned to look at Nadeshiko, sitting over by the window. A girl had dumped a can of coffee over her earlier, so she had been forced to remove her sweater. Tadase stared at the back of her white button-up, the faint outline of her bra visible. His throat went a little dry.

"Oh shit, you better not be a fucking fag too," Keiichi moaned, his nose scrunched up in disgust.

"What?" Tadase's blood ran cold. No, they couldn't know. It was _not_ going to happen again. Before his thoughts could go into overtime, he got an explanation he was not expecting.

" _He's_ a fucking tranny, dude," Takashi laughed, a malicious look in his eyes, "He's got a fucking dick."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

As the weeks went by Tadase felt worse and worse for Nadeshiko. She (he? Regardless of what Keiichi said, that didn't seem right.) didn't really do anything to warrant such behavior; she is who she is. Tadase was helpless though; he couldn't go back to the way he was treated in Tokyo. So as much as he hated it, he turned his head and looked the other way when the others started tormenting Nadeshiko.

What else could he do?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Tadase had been called to the teacher's office to discuss his current academic situation (although he was doing remarkably well in his new school, he had transferred right at the start of his third year, meaning the teachers had to keep a close eye on his progress). All went well as he met with his teachers, who practically glowed with pride at how well he was doing, until he returned back to the classroom. It seemed as though the class discussion had taken off without him.

The thirds years were currently planning their annual retreat, a class trip the served as one last bonding opportunity before the students lost themselves to prepping for entrance exams and took off for the city, never to be heard from again.

The annual retreat was nothing too spectacular (especially to a city boy like Tadase); just a bus ride to the mountains, spending a night at an onsen, then hiking up a rocky trail. The school had gotten a great deal on their location (their small town not being a hotspot for tourists, after all) but it was a little bizarre. Normally class trips involved four or five students cramming into the same room, futons crowded together in the center with little walking space, but it seemed that this ryokan was quite smaller, and it was only two to a room.

Tadase wasn't overly concerned with room assignments; he got along well enough with all of the other boys, and surely Shuu or one of the others would have grabbed him as a partner.

What he had _not_ been expecting was to walk into the room and see "Tadase & Nadeshiko" written on the board in neat script.

What the hell? Why were they having him room with a girl?

Tadase turned to Shuu and the others, a frown creasing his face. "But Nadeshiko is-" wait, no. He couldn't say that; _she_ was a _he,_ at least for all biological purposes.

Takashi looked vaguely sympatic, but also a little amused, as some sort of grin creeped up his face."A fag, right?"

Well, that wasn't _quite_ what Tadase had been going for….

"Sorry bro," Keiichi smirked, "I was gonna room with you, but Yoshida practically got down on his hands and knees and begged, and you were at the meeting so…."

Tadase understood, he really did; he was still an outsider, even now. But it wasn't as though he were particularly worried about rooming with Nadeshiko. He'd stayed away from her since the revelation, but that was only because he didn't want anyone getting any ideas about him that may lead to him becoming social pariah number two of the school.

Otherwise though, he still thought Nadeshiko was one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen, and if circumstances were different he definitely would have already talked to her by now.

"It's alright," Tadase sighed, trying his best to look put off by the whole situation, while the only thing that really upset him was the fact that Keiichi threw him to out to the sharks, "I'm the newbie and all."

Keiichi grinned and slapped Tadase on the back. He tried not to wince. "Glad to see you understand!"

Yeah, Tadase understood perfectly.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The bus ride felt much longer than it actually was. Stuck in an enclosed space with twenty-something sweaty teenagers was nobody's idea of a fun time. The whole way there Keiichi smacked his gum in Tadase's ear as he yelled across the aisle to Shuu and Takashi. Obnoxious, Tadase thought. He was antsy to get up and stretch his legs.

By the time they had finally arrived it was rather late, and the students were almost immediately sent off to their rooms after eating.

"Try not to get raped," Keiichi laughed darkly, before throwing his arm over Sakamoto's shoulders and swaggering off.

"I'm sure I'll be fine," Tadase insisted, although Keiichi was out of earshot by then. Shuu and Takashi gave him serious looks.

"Seriously though Hotori," Shuu said, resting a hand on Tadase's shoulder, "If he tries anything, get the fuck out of there, and let us know."

Takashi nodded. "If you need to, we can probably cram you into our room, if you're okay with the floor. You'd have to be careful that a teacher doesn't catch us though."

Tadase was touched that they were worried about him, even though they really had no need to be. "Thanks guys, but I'm sure it will be fine."

Shuu smiled, shaking his head. "Alright Takashi, let's leave him to it."

"Seriously dude," Takashi said loudly, a determined look on his face as Shuu pulled him down the hall, "Come get us if something happens."

Tadase laughed. "Don't worry. I'll be okay."

Even though he had been left out with the room assignments, Tadase really was starting to fit in after all. A warm feeling filled his stomach. Perhaps his third year would be as good as he had hoped.

Now… regarding the issue of Nadeshiko…. Well, Tadase _was_ feeling a bit awkward about the rooming situation. But not because he was worried that she would, as Keiichi suggested, assault him. Tadase didn't have any real basis for saying it, as he had never spoken to Nadeshiko before, but he trusted her to some extent, and he believed that there was no way such a sweet girl would do something so horrid.

What really made Tadase nervous was the fact that, regardless of her biology, Nadeshiko was a girl! Sharing a room alone with a girl was rather scandalous, Tadase thought, and very nerve-wracking. But biologically, she was male….

What exactly was the expected etiquette of this?

Well, Tadase supposed there was nothing else to do but push through and do it.

So he pushed open the door.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

There are a few moments in life that shape the course of your entire existence in such a way that you could never imagine.

Looking back on it, Tadase wondered if he still would have opened the door if he knew what it would bring, or if he would have chased after Shuu and Takashi and begged them to sneak him into their room.

Really… should he have opened that door?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Nadeshiko was leaning over, digging through her bag for something. One side of her lips was drawn back in an agitated grimace. Her hair was falling over her shoulder, framing her face.

Tadase set his bag down as he cleared his throat.

Nadeshiko jumped. Her eyes widened as she turned to face Tadase, blush darkening her cheeks. "Oh, yes, you're… hello."

She seemed nervous. Tadase would ask her why, but he was nervous too. What should he do?

He thought of Shuu and Takashi.

He thought of Keiichi.

He thought of his old self back in Tokyo, alone and ridiculed.

Tadase smiled. "Even though we're classmates, we've never really spoken. My name is Hotori Tadase."

"Ah, yes, I'm aware. It is hard to ignore a transfer student, especially when you move to a town as small as ours."

Tadase rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling weakly. "Yeah, I guess you're not wrong there."

Silence fell over the room, and Tadase had never felt so awkward before in his life. Nadeshiko turned slightly, as if looking for something, but found nothing. Her eyes simply bore into the wall of the room. She spoke without meeting his eyes. "I'd introduce myself, but I'm sure you've already heard all about me."

Despite having done nothing, Tadase found himself blushing. "Ah, yes. Fujisaki Nadeshiko. And, uh, I know about your… uh, situation."

Nadeshiko turned back to face him, a strong look in her eyes. Tadase found himself unable to meet her stare. "Is that all?"

She sounded almost surprised. Tadase blinked. What has she expected him to hear?

"Well, I mean there's usually some unfavorable language thrown in, but nothing really more."

Tadase briefly wondered though…. Occasionally, Keiichi would get heated and start ranting, but before he'd get too far Shuu and Takashi would shush him.

"Ah… I see," Nadeshiko paused, a hand playing with the hem of her shirt. Tadase wanted to look at her face, but for some reason he found himself unable to. "And you're not scared of rooming with me? Or… disgusted?"

Tadase suddenly felt very panicked; his normal calm eloquence was thrown out the window.

"Ah, no! I mean, it's something new to me, but I don't like to judge others based off their personalities. I mean, it's not a personality choice, but it's your body! I mean… my uncle's gay," _also a pedophile_ , "It's not the same, I know, but that's not why I hate him! I actually think the stigma Japan has around queer people is absolutely ridiculous. Oh wait, should I say queer? I didn't mean it as a slur. More of a blanket term! Oh god, I'm so sorry- I" 

Nadeshiko burst into laughter, cutting Tadase off mid sentence. He blushed as she threw her head back, chest heaving as tears appeared in the corners of her eyes. As Tadase's cheeks warmed, so did his chest. For the first time since he entered, the room felt comfortable. Before he knew it, he was laughing right along with her.

When the laughter finally died down, Tadase blurted out before he would even consider what he was doing, "I was bullied back in Tokyo."

Nadeshiko's eyebrows furrowed, but Tadase continued before she could ask.

"I was popular for a while, but the upperclassmen didn't like it. Their girlfriends hit on me, but I rejected them, actually all the girls who asked me, because I was hung up on my ex. Then my uncle, who was the principal of the school, was found with a male student. They started to call me gay."

Nadeshiko nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching, but she didn't ask.

"I'm not," Tadase clarified, "I mean, I loved my girlfriend back in middle school. But I never really thought about it too much."

Nadeshiko nodded again. For a minute, nobody said anything. Tadase sat down on one bed, unable to find a way to break the silence, and Nadeshiko mirrored him, sitting down on the other.

Tadase wasn't quite sure on how to get his thoughts out. "I mean, I kind of understand what you're experiencing, to some extent. It's stupid. I wanted to help you; I want to- but I'm scared of becoming the victim again.

Nadeshiko smiled. "Well, I don't think you alone could change anything, so don't feel bad, but thanks for the sentiment; it's nice to know that, at the very least, someone is sympathising with me."

That wasn't enough. Tadase knew that logically he didn't owe her anything, that he didn't really have a reason to get involved, but yet he was sure that he should've done something, that he should do something.

Footsteps stomped down the hall. Some of the boys were laughing, enjoying their classtrip and revelling in their youth to the fullest, something Nadeshiko would probably never get to do, seeing how she was treated by the others. At least in Tokyo he had Kukai and Amu, and he could escape amongst the other 9 million people of Tokyo. But she was trapped, and all alone.

He felt uncharacteristically restless. He couldn't defend her, but couldn't he help her somehow. It suddenly struck him.

"Let's sneak out."

Nadeshiko's eyes widened. "What?"

"Tonight. Let's go walk around outside, while nobody else is around."

The words "just us," hung in the air, but weren't spoken allowed. Tadase wondered what he was doing, but didn't care to stop. Nadeshiko blinked slowly, her eyes hesitant. Tadase's heart pounded.

She smiled. "Okay."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It was late. The voices and footsteps throughout the halls had ceased hours ago, and the literature teacher had already checked in on them twice before heading off to bed.

Tadase felt oddly giddy; his heart was pounding, but it wasn't really like he was nervous at all. Rather, for some odd reason, he felt as though he may burst into laughter at any given moment.

Shouldn't he be scared, or so many things? Being alone with Nadeshiko, being caught alone with Nadeshiko? Or, even more than that, and a thought that Tadase was not sure would call a fear, but rather a nagging feeling deep in his subconscious, the prospect of what being alone with Nadeshiko might mean, what it might cause.

They snuck through the halls in near silence under the cover of darkness. Why did Tadase feel like a little kid sneaking to the kitchen after their mom had gone to sleep, on a quest for cookies and other forbidden goodies?

Tadase made sure to keep an eye out for anyone out for a nightly stroll, wary of a door suddenly opening, or a figure surfacing from around a corner. But nobody appeared. It seemed that the two of them were the only ones up to any sort of mischief that night. They were home free!

Or so he thought. But as soon as they rounded the corner to the entrance he found himself face to face with their homeroom teacher, Nikaidou. The man stared at them, eyes wide for a moment.

Oh God, what had he been thinking? He could hear it now, the gossip that would start with their detentions. _Tadase was sneaking out at night with Nadeshiko? He must be a fag then, right?_ Oh God, why was this happening, why did he decide to do this, his life had barely been able to start anew and yet here it was all thrown down the drain yet again. What would his mother-

And then Nikaidou's hand flew up to cover his eyes before Tadase could spin completely out of control or find the ability to sputter out any sort of an excuse. "Oh, wow, I wish my eyes weren't covered up right now so I could see what was going on! Whatever could be happening?"

Nikaidou was… a complete idiot wasn't he?

Tadase was still, too shocked to move. Nikaidou cleared his throat. "I mean, it sure would be unfortunate if someone snuck out right now while I couldn't see anything."

Tadase felt a tug at his sleeve. He turned; Nadeshiko was pulling him towards the door.

"Come on," she whispered.

Nikaidou kept his eyes covered until the front door shut. At the last minute he said, in a very deliberate manner, "If anyone isn't here by 3am I'll have to go looking for them."

Tadase felt uncomfortably hot, yet as the door swung shut he finally was able to feel his shoulders relax. So Nikaidou wasn't going to make a move…. That was a bit unexpected. While the teacher normally was fairly laid back, if not plain goofy, he could be a real hard-ass when he tried to.

It was dark out, tall trees one would never find in Tokyo reaching to the sky, obscuring the sky from view. He was used to all the light pollution of the night sky of the city, so the environment here always felt a bit dark to him. But the moon was still shining overhead as always, bright and full.

Now they were outside, but what exactly were they going to do? Tadase had felt the rush of importance to make sure Nadeshiko got to experience the class trip, but now he was lost. He probably should have thought this through beforehand.

Luckily for Tadase, it seemed like Nadeshiko knew what they were doing.

"Follow me," she said softly, taking his hand gently, hesitantly as if she expected him to object, before leading him away from the road and into the woods. Tadase was helpless but to oblige.

Maybe he shouldn't be following someone that was relatively a stranger into the woods on a secluded mountain in the middle of the night. Maybe he should have objected to rooming with said stranger in the first place. Was this a bad idea? Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. No, this whole thing was definitely a bad idea.

Tadase loved it.

He loved the way Nadeshiko's hand fit in his, loved how soft her skin was against his. He loved the glow of her dark hair in the moonlight, flowing gently behind her as they walked. The sway of her skirt behind her long legs, occasionally getting stuck between them as the trapsed over roots and branches lining the ground, showing of their shape, before getting loose once more. The nape of her neck as her hair shifted to one side. The blush of her cheeks as she turned her head, ever-so-slightly, to chance a glance at him. Her lips, plump and pink, occasionally opening as if she had something to say, and then closing as if she thought better of it, or maybe she just lost her nerve. Tadase was losing his nerve. Or was he? He had never felt more inadequate, more nervous in his entire life. Yet he never had felt this excited before either, never had this much anticipation gnawing at his chest.

Surely there were animals there in the woods, another form of life that meant they were not the only two beings in the area. Yet, at that moment Tadase was quite sure he and Nadeshiko were the only two people left in the world, or at least it felt like that.

"Ah," Nadeshiko remarked softly, after what felt like both seconds yet years, "here it is."

Tadase wasn't sure what he had expected, but as the foliage broke apart he thought it certainly wasn't to be met with a wide field, empty save for the occasional flower or rock. It was a bit anticlimactic, if Tadase were to be completely honest. Nadeshiko turned to him, excitement evident on her face. Tadase tried to smile as he exited the forest, but he was confused as to why exactly he should be smiling.

Nadeshiko smirked, no doubt taking note of his lackluster reaction. "You need to look up, dummy."

Look up…?

Tadase turned his head to the sky, and suddenly it all made sense. He couldn't stop himself from gasping. Above him was a scene he had only seen in pictures before; thousands of stars twinkling, filling the dark sky with their luminous glow. It was as though the heavens were sparkling, shining a light on just him. He remembered being a kid, seeing the occasional star in the bright night of Tokyo, where too much light pollution made it hard to see much of anything above. He remembered finding them so enchanting, that even though they weren't shooting he ought to make a wish. Above his head now were thousands of unrealized dreams, winking down at him.

"This is amazing," he gasped, unable to bring his sight back down to earth.

"I figured you never got to see anything like this back in Tokyo, so I thought this would be the perfect place to take you."

"You're right," Tadase breathed, tearing his eyes away from the sky in order to respond, "it's b-" his eyes met Nadeshiko. She wasn't looking at the sky, but rather staring at him, a warm smile on her face. Tadase would feel his cheeks warm, and suddenly the stars were pushed from his mind completely. He paused for a second. "It's beautiful."

Nadeshiko opened her mouth as if to say something, and then closed it as if she something was holding her back. Her hand fiddled with the fabric of her skirt, as if trying to channel her uncertainty in some way, otherwise she didn't move.

Tadase didn't realize he was walking towards her until the gap had grown quite small. His mind was racing, but no clear thought was emerging at the forefront.

He was looking at her lips.

"I swear they must be crazy."

Nadeshiko's eyebrows furrowed. "Who?"

"Everyone."

Tadase's body moved on its own. Nadeshiko let out a small sound, surprised. Tadase grasped her hand in his.

Her eyes fluttered closed.

Her lips were much softer than Amu's had been.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

A/N: That ending scene was such a fucking bitch to write ughhhh i skipped over it like 3 times lmao And you know what, falling in love in one day? RIDICULOUS! But ITS GOOD FICTION ALRIGHT? Lol this ain't a slow burn fic.

Also a side note it's been so long since I wrote fanfic that I experienced culture shock in that I could use something besides open office to type up my drafts. God bless you, Google Docs.

I've made a vow to myself to upload once a month this year, so by the end of February at the latest this should be just about done. I'm not sure how many parts are left, but I think two.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: godddd this has gotten out of control what is happening. I never wrote this much fluffy shit in all my life. Also here is a tragic story of how this chapter was birthed

Me: this whole story will be about 10k words

Also Me: writes Chapter 2 out of 3 to be 10k words.

I had to break it here because the direction changes for chapter 3 (the final chapter!) and it would have been weird to split them any other way ahhhhhh

Anyway this is where things start to get *spicy* so if you want a little extra sizzle, go hit up the cross-posted version on ao3 (under the same username and title)- that version is more of the *original* and I guess we could say this is a censored copy haha?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It was hard for Tadase to pretend nothing had changed, that he hadn't felt a soul-shaking, life-changing moment, that the self he had been was almost like an entirely different person than who he was now.

But he fielded the prying questions from Keiichi and the others, brushing off their assumptions that something drastic had happened (and truly they were right, something drastic _did_ happen, it just was drastic in a way that got Tadase's pulse skyrocketing, not in a way that left him fearing for safety). Tadase simply insisted that they hadn't talked at all, and went to bed without incident. Shuu and Takashi seemed almost relieved after Tadase insisted for the upteenth time that he was perfectly fine, but Keiichi would randomly turn and leer at him as if he were hiding some sort of horrific secret.

Eventually the questions stopped and the only indication that something had changed within Tadase was that every once in a while, when Nikaidou was teaching, the man would turn his head to look at him and shoot him a small, sly grin.

Soon, the only thing that was particularly hard for Tadase was pretending to be indifferent to Nadeshiko. He couldn't let his gaze wander over to her silhouette by the light of the window, he couldn't let himself smile at her when their eyes met. The hardest part was stopping himself from stepping in when the harassment started. The urge to intervene, to speak up and stop the verbal abuse inflicted upon her, was overwhelming.

But he forced himself to remember Tokyo, remember the humiliation and pain he had faced there every day, and he would bite his tongue and begrudgingly look the other way. He had already made up his mind, after all; he had been gifted a fresh start and why should he ruin that now? Nobody would stop harassing Nadeshiko if he defended her, he would simply be an addition to the torment. In fact, perhaps even the knowledge that Tadase and Nadeshiko were amicable towards each other would cause all new forms of provocation to arise. Really, standing up for her would solve nothing….

Or so he told himself.

But yes, he was free from the harassment, free from the whispers of "fag" as he walked past, free from the shame of his uncle. Finally, he was happy.

Yes, Tadase though, clenching his fists as Sakiko ripped Nadeshiko's math assignment to shreds, he was happy.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The day Tadase found himself at Nadeshiko's house really was kind of a fluke. Regardless of how she may be perceived by the general population of Bifuka, Nadeshiko's mom still had a place in the community. And, somehow, without Tadase's knowledge of it, his mom and her mom had become acquaintances.

Not friends (no, Tadase's mother never could stoop so low as to call another human being her friend), but acquaintances through work or shopping or some other sort of high-strung middle-aged menopausal activity.

Tadase probably would have never been made aware of the close acquantainship (regardless of what Tadase made of her, he could not deny the wide scope of his mother's social circle, and Nadeshiko's mother was simply one of many), but it turned out that Mrs. Fujisaki was just as scatterbrained as Amu had been. Tadase was barely in the front door when his mother groaned, picking a long ornate wallet up from the counter, a wallet his mother would surely never be caught dead with.

And thus, Tadase had become the delivery boy.

Normally, Tadase would begrudge his mother for making him do her errands, but he was actually incredibly thankful for her inability to do her own chores (perhaps for the first time in his life). He had missed Nadeshiko. It didn't make much sense; for starters, he saw and texted her everyday. Also, he'd only spent one evening with her face-to-face around three weeks ago. Yet Tadase had spent those weeks struggling, trying to figure out a way that he could go over to Nadeshiko's house yet have a good excuse in case someone saw him on the way there.

Yet it had been his _wonderful_ mother that had presented him with the perfect opportunity. His now (since "the incident") wildly homophobic mother who would probably have a stroke if she knew what her errand would contribute to.

Tadase was unsure how long he stood outside Nadeshiko's front door frozen, unsure of how exactly he should proceed. But he supposed it wasn't too long because the longer he stood there the more likely it was that someone would walk by and see him. So he finally managed to pluck up the courage and knocked on the door.

It took maybe thirty seconds that seemed to last an eternity, but the door finally opened to reveal a woman, a tall, thin woman with dark brown hair pulled back into a tight bun. There was a strong yet natural beauty about her, with large brown eyes and rosy cheeks. Although, he would have to say she looked much younger than his own mother (but, to be fair, who didn't? At times his grandmother seemed younger than his mom), he could tell she was a bit older by the way she held herself.

"I'm Hotori Tadase, Mizue's son," he managed to squeak out. He held out the wallet, "You left this at our house today."

'Oh!" Mrs. Fujisaki broke into a wide smile, reaching out to take her wallet back from him. "Thank you so much! Come in, I'll make you some tea!"

Tadase would normally brush off any of his mother's acquaintances without much thought, but his anticipation for seeing Nadeshiko was too much and he found himself nodding and falling her into the house without a word of objection.

Nadeshiko's house was rather large compared to what he had expected, especially seeing as she and her mom were the only people who lived there. He supposed having come from family that lived there for generations helped in that.

Mrs. Fujisaki lead Tadase to the kitchen and gestured for him to take a seat before she busied herself with making the tea. She started talking, probably anxious to fill the silence, "I hope you like matcha. I know it's traditional and all, but sometimes I find that people are just so opposed to it now. I guess as times go on, tea is becoming less popular? Or at least with the youngsters."

To be honest, Tadase didn't really care much for tea, he was more of a coffee drinker, but he had no desire to say that aloud. "It's fine."

Mrs. Fujisaki smiled over her shoulder at him as the water boiled, "Oh good!"

Their eyes met for a brief moment, and Tadase felt oddly exposed, as if her soft eyes and gentle smile could see into the recesses of his heart and read the hidden feelings brewing there. He looked down, wishing he had something to busy his hands with. He wrung them helplessly, trying to come up with some way to break the silence.

"Tadase?"

He froze, before slowly turning his head to look at the doorway to the kitchen, his stomach tumbling over itself in anticipation.

There stood Nadeshiko, hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, a gray, baggy sweater draped over her shoulders, and tight jeans covering her long legs. It was the first time he had ever seen her in pants, and he had vaguely wondered if seeing her in more gender neutral clothing would give anything away, yet she still looked so beautiful and feminine that he would never second guess her for a second.

Nadeshiko looked confused at first, but as Tadase stared at her in shock (which he really had no right to do, it was her house after all) she slowly raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at her lips.

Tadase suddenly felt incredibly transparent. He could feel the heat fill his cheeks, despite his best efforts to calm his pounding heart. He felt the incredible urge to explain himself.

"I guess our moms are friends or something? And your mom left something at our house, so my mom sent me over to deliver it. And now she's making me tea!" He pointed over to the teapot, as if she would need his guidance to find the proof that he wasn't up to anything suspicious.

"Ah, is that so? What a coincidence."

Tadase wasn't sure why he was so nervous; he hadn't lied, it was all the truth. But he felt incredibly vulnerable in that moment. Nadeshiko, on the other hand, simply seemed amused, smirking at him in a way that made him feel incredibly exposed.

Silence filled the room; Tadase had no idea what to say. Luckily for him Mrs. Fujisaki was still there.

"Why don't you go to Nadeshiko's room and I'll bring the tea and some snacks when it's ready?"

"That would be fine with me," Nadeshiko didn't seem nervous, so why was Tadase's heart about to burst into a million pieces.

"O-oh, okay," Tadase stuttered, clambering to his fit in a remarkably ungraceful way. "That sounds nice."

Nadeshiko grinned, but this time it didn't look sarcastic at all, but rather as if she had been given a gift. "I'll show you to it then."

As Tadase followed Nadeshiko from the kitchen, he swore he heard her mother giggle, but he couldn't be sure.

They were quiet as they walked down the hall. Although they'd been so talkative before, and they'd shared so many long conversations through texts and late night phone calls the past few weeks, he felt too nervous to say anything.

"Well, here it is," Nadeshiko said as she came to a stop in front of a door, before opening it and gesturing for Tadase to head in.

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but the room felt so Nadeshiko that he was instantly comfortable. There was a low table in the middle of the room with textbooks and notes and purple pens strewn across it, open, as if she had been studying before encountering Tadase in the kitchen. The bed was covered in a pink comforter, and a dainty vanity sat in the corner, various bottles and containers that mystified Tadase covering the surface. A lone stuffed bear sat perched upon her dresser, and a poster of the enka singer Masashi Kagawa hung next to a calendar that displayed the Okinawan sea. It wasn't nearly as feminine as Amu's had been (a room that was such an explosion of pink and cuteness that it gave him a migraine just thinking about it) but it definitely was nothing like his room. It seemed more mature, almost elegant.

"Your room is nice," Tadase said, as he entered, looking around. "Kagawa, huh?"

"Yeah, I've always had a soft spot for him," Nadeshiko chuckled, scratching her cheek as she closed the door behind her. "He is the prince of Enka after all."

Tadase didn't know enough about enka music to dispute that statement, so he had to trust her on that one. Although, he supposed the singer's handsome face had to play some sort of role in her decision to hang him on her otherwise standard walls.

She walked across the room in that way that all girls did, with her hips moving in a way that seemed effortless, yet Tadase was sure he would never be able to do it. She sat down on the bed before patting the mattress as she smiled up at him. "Sit down."

Tadase sunk down on the bed next to here. He wasn't sure what to say, but Nadeshiko didn't make a move to speak either. Her eyebrows were creased though, and she didn't quite meet his eyes. Was she nervous? Tadase sure was.

Nadeshiko was pretty tall for a girl, but it was mostly in her legs, so when they sat down beside one another Tadase was taller by a couple of inches. His shoulders were broader too, his waist a bit wider. But her eyelashes were longer, her lips pinker. She wrung her hands together.

Tadase couldn't take it. He reached out and cupped her cheek, pulling her gaze back to him. Her eyes widened a little bit, and she opened her mouth, perhaps to comment on what he was doing, but Tadase leaned over and pressed his lips to hers.

Nadeshiko was soft and smooth, and she made Tadase's heart flutter just as much as it had the first time the kissed, maybe even more. The fingertips of her left hand caught the hand that cupped her face. For a second she hesitated, before kissing him back.

Tadase had kissed before, many times in fact, but it never had felt quiet this good. Their mouths moving together, warm and comfortable, in a way that sent heat throughout his stomach. He wanted to be closer, so much closer, so that they could become one. His hand was tangled in her hair, pulling her further into him. Their bodies were aligned, her flat chest pressing against his.

Oh yeah, she didn't really have, anything there. Tadase broke away from her, having to take a momentary pause to process the situation. Nadeshiko looked confused, his hand was still in her hair after all, they were still so close, but Tadase was just trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. Nadeshiko's face fell.

"Tadase, I'm-"

Just at that moment, like a scene in a movie, the door burst wide open and there was Mrs. Fujisaki with the tea. Tadase and Nadeshiko froze, like two deer in the headlights, and the woman stared back at the two of them, sitting so close together that their noses could touch, with an equally shocked expression.

"Um, the tea is ready…?"

"MOM!" Nadeshiko shrieked, her face a mix of embarrassment and fury that even made Tadase want to run away in fear.

"I'm going to the store and won't be back for an hour or so. Bye."

The door shut just as quickly as it had opened, leaving the two of them to ruminate their own embarrassment. Tadase pulled back, his thoughts all jumbled, and definitely not in the mood to keep going after that interruption.

But he had paused before that though. He had forgotten the nature of Nadeshiko's body. Kissing her didn't make a difference after all, lips were lips, but touching her in any other way surely would be a new experience. He hadn't fully comprehended that until now.

They were quite for a long moment, neither one sure just how to proceed, but Nadeshiko spoke first. "You don't have to feel obligated because you feel guilty, or if you were just confused that time or anything. If you think it's gross now you don't have to push yourself."

She wasn't looking at him, but rather a far off wall, her jaw set as she stared intensely at nothing in particular.

Tadase blinked. Had he been grossed out? Confused, yeah. But the heat that had settled low in his stomach definitely wasn't the feeling of being grossed out.

"I'm really not grossed out or anything, it just seems weird," Tadase scratched his nose, not quite sure how to convey his current feelings, "Like a discrepancy between you and your body."

Nadeshiko snorted as she turned back to him. "You're telling me that."

Tadase felt incredibly stupid; of course she understood that. "Sorry I-"

Nadeshiko turned away from him once more. "No no, its okay I get it. You can leave and pretend nothing happened; I won't hold it against you."

"Now hold on just a second!" Tadase exclaimed; why was she getting so ahead of herself? "I didn't say that I wasn't okay with it! I was just surprised!"

Nadeshiko didn't look to convinced, although Tadase didn't think he could blame her. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I really like you okay? It doesn't matter to me what your body is like, I like you for you."

She didn't respond, so Tadase reached out and took her hand. He stared into her brown eyes, trying to get it across to her. "Really, I do."

"Oh, well…" Nadeshiko seemed unsure of herself, but her fingers tightened around Tadase's hand in return, "well I like you to."

Tadase could feel his heart thundering in his chest.

Nadeshiko was looking at him, her lips were red from when they had been kissing. He nearly groaned.

Tadase jumped to his feet. "Let's go drink your mom's tea."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Nadeshiko's mother started leaving things at Tadase's house very frequently from that point onward. His mom would always shake her head and scoff at the other woman's foolishness, surely thinking her quite the idiot. But while Mrs. Fujisaki kept up the act of the ditzy woman, Tadase thought her quite cunning. At last, Tadase had an excuse to visit Nadeshiko. If anyone saw him entering or exiting her house all he had to do was tell truth of the matter, that he was doing an errand for his mother, and as thanks Mrs. Fujisaki had invited him in for tea. Tadase was such a polite boy, nobody would argue with his explanation of events, and perhaps would even feel bad for him and offer him an apology (although the thought of this happening was so insulting, as if visiting Nadeshiko could ever be any sort of inconvenience for him at all). But nobody had mentioned anything to him about his trips to Nadeshiko's household, and everyone was still treating him well, and he hadn't heard any whispers of his name in the halls, so he had to assume that his brilliant excuse was still unnecessary.

The only person who had noticed anything by this point (besides Mrs. Fujisaki, of course) was Nikaidou sensei. Obviously he alone had seen the truth head on, yet he did nothing about it, neither at the time nor now. Well, Tadase might say nothing was a bit of an understatement. He did find himself placed in the general vicinity of Nadeshiko a bit more often than normal when Nikaidou was in charge, and every once in a while Tadase would look up and meet the teacher's eye and receive a knowing smirk in response.

Tadase had asked Nadeshiko about the older man once, as the two of them sat in her room, eating delicious snacks and drinking green tea as he struggled to explain the history lesson to her, but Nadeshiko shrugged. "He's always liked me for some reason."

She paused, the end of her pencil pressed to her pink lips. "Maybe liked isn't the right word. I guess I would say he sympathizes with me, at the least. He's the only one who will punish the people who mess with me."

Now that she mentioned it, the harassment was always sparse when Nikaidou was in the room.

Even though Mrs. Fujisaki and Nikaidou had figured out what was going on, Tadase's mother remained woefully ignorant. To be honest, he was scared at the prospect of what would happen if she found out. Before "the incident," she had been fairly open-minded on matters of sexuality (at least compared to the other issues that plagued her mind), but ever since the public shaming enacted upon their family she had been incredibly vicious and adamant against every instance of "queerness" that crossed her path. And while Tadase himself didn't think of their relationship as anything more than a boy and a girl, he knew his mom would most definitely think otherwise.

It didn't help much to hypothesize about what his mother may or may not do if she discovered the truth of his and Nadeshiko's relationship (rather, it simply gave him a strong sense of dread that could swallow him whole and a case of indigestion to match), so he simply issued a warning to Mrs. Fujisaki not to reveal anything about Nadeshiko whatsoever and pushed the issues from him mind.

She would never find out anyway, right?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It was a normal day when Tadase had almost been exposed. It was during lunch, and Keiichi and the others had pushed their desks together and were talking as they ate. Nadeshiko was across the room, alone as always, but he tried not to look at her. He had texted her before lunch began, asking if he could come over for help studying on the upcoming English test, but had forgotten all about it and left his phone on the desk after showing Shuu a photo of his old dog.

His phone suddenly chirped from where it sat face up on the table, and a message lit up the screen.

 **From:** Darling 3

Sounds good

"Wait, WHAT THE SHIT TADASE!"

Tadase's heart dropped at Takeshi's exclamation, and he scrambled to grab the phone before the other boys could get their hands on it. From the corner of his eye he could see Nadeshiko freeze, as if realizing what she had done, before furiously pressing on the power button as if it could take back the action.

"Nothing! That's nothing!" Tadase exclaimed in a high pitched voice, holding his phone to his chest as if it were his lifeline, and firmly cementing the fact that the text was, in fact, something.

"Dude, you never said you had a girlfriend!" Shuu was practically jumping up and down in his seat, "You're so fucking lucky!"

"You should have said something earlier!" Takeshi chimed in, whacking his arm in a playful way.

"I didn't think it was important," Tadase muttered, making the decision in that moment to never set his phone down again.

"Is she from back in Tokyo?" Keiichi prodded, curious, but lacking the enthusiasm of the other two boys,

Tadase hesitated. "Yeah... she is."

"Ah nice! A city girl!" Shuu hummed, grinning, "Are you serious about her?"

Tadase didn't look at Nadeshiko. "Um… yeah, I am. I really like her a lot."

"Is she hot? You gotta show us a pic!"

As if by some heavenly force of nature, it was just at that moment the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. Tadase had never sighed so deeply in his life; he was not sure how he would have been able to get out of that one. He, rather guiltily, supposed he would have had to have shown them a pic of him and Amu, but doing so would have just seemed wrong.

Tadase found himself unable to look Nadeshiko's way for the rest of class, and the events of that lunch were never brought up between them. But if he had looked over, he would have seen smile she struggled to hide behind her hand for the rest of class.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

There was one particular day where Nadeshiko been out when Tadase arrived at her house. Mrs. Fujisaki had sent her to pick up a package from the post office (what was it with mothers making their children their own personal errand runners?), but by this point the woman claimed he was "basically part of the family" and let him in to wait for Nadeshiko to return.

"It won't be longer than 10 minutes," she insisted, "You can wait in her room."

Well, she may have said that, but Tadase felt weird waiting around in a girl's room without her permission, so he instead found himself mulling around the living room. Usually he kept to either Nadeshiko's room or the kitchen when he visited, so he'd never really gotten the opportunity to look around properly.

There were several photographs in the room, both recent and older. The recent photos showed Nadeshiko in a dress leaning against a cherry-blossom tree, with her hair tied up as she hugged her mother, or even in a school uniform by the doorway, as if it was taken on the first day of school. And while those were nice, and definitely brought a smile to his face, Tadase was a bit more intrigued by the ones that dated a little further back. Childhood photos, baby pictures, they all presented a Nadeshiko that he didn't know. They also conveyed the truth of who she was, that there had been an error in conception, and that she was originally raised as a boy.

Although he was intrigued by such photos, he felt almost filthy for looking at them without Nadeshiko's knowledge, like he was spying on some part of her he had no right to see. But there was some sort of curiosity deep within him that couldn't be silenced. And it wasn't as though Nadeshiko's past was any sort of secret, it was just something that he knew nothing about. Who was that past Nadeshiko, the one that had to live a lie?

Well, it turned out past Nadeshiko was a whole lot like the current one. It seemed as though she'd had her long hair since a young age (he smiled, imagining a young Nadeshiko adamantly protesting as her mother tried to cut her hair) and while she didn't exactly wear female clothes in her youth, she did have an androgynous style to her.

Part of Tadase had maybe expected to feel some dissonance upon seeing a male presenting Nadeshiko, as if it would spring some part of him he kept inside to life, as if he would suddenly feel as though he were dating a man instead of a woman, but he felt none of that. Rather, he felt all warm and fuzzy; it was nice to see a piece of Nadeshiko he hadn't known before.

Toddler Nadeshiko playing with toys shaped like farm animals, Nadeshiko proudly showing off her uniform on the first day of Kindergarten, Seven year old Nadeshiko blowing out the candle on her birthday cake. Tadase moved throughout the room, happily taking in the photos of her youth, when something stopped him.

It was a photo of Nadeshiko and three boys, probably around the age of twelve, standing in the backyard of the Fujisaki house, a soccer ball in one of their hands.

The scene itself wasn't too unusual to Tadase; it seemed quite normal that Nadeshiko would play sports with friends. What was unusual, was who said friends were.

Tadase felt a pit in his stomach. The three boys in the photo were no other than Keiichi, Shuu, and Takeshi.

Now this couldn't be right. Of course, living in such a small town, it would make sense that they had known each other before. But it was simply incomprehensible for Tadase to visualize a world in which they were ever friends. He turned back to the picture of her birthday party, and stared at the kids sitting around the table with her. He could see three of them and, sure enough, they were no other than the same boys that Tadase had found himself friends with.

He frowned, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. He moved to the next photo; it was the four of them in the uniforms of the local middle school.

It didn't make sense; not only were they friends, but friends for this long? Tadase hoped to see some other sort of clue on the wall, but in any photos that showed an older Nadeshiko, she was alone or with her mother, and she looked the way she did now.

"Oh."

Tadase jumped before spinning around to see Nadeshiko standing in the doorway. He couldn't quite get a read on her current emotion, but he felt like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

They were silent for a long moment.

"You were a really cute kid."

Nadeshiko scoffed, "thanks."

Tadase rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of just how he should proceed from here. Nadeshiko didn't seem to know either.

Finally, he managed to ask the question that was nagging at his mind. "You were friends with them?"

Nadeshiko sighed, crossing her arms across her chest as she looked the other way. "Why don't we go to my room?"

Tadase nodded, and followed Nadeshiko to her room. They were quiet the way there, and quiet as they sat down on the floor of her room, across the table from each other.

Nadeshiko didn't move to speak at first, but Tadase was too unsure to prompt her. He simply sat there, his eyes darting between her face and his lap, and the poster of Masashi Kagawa on the wall. Finally, after a long time, Nadeshiko spoke.

" _Obviously, in such a small town, the four of us went to elementary school together, and our mothers knew each other. We frequently had playdates and such, you know, normal kid stuff. Shuu and Takeshi were always closest, so Keiichi and I kind of got paired off in the same way. But we were all good friends back then. Sometimes we would sleep over at Shuu's house, others they would come over to play soccer in our backward. We were kind of infamous, throughout the school, for being the best of friends. We were always together._

 _That didn't change for a long time. Obviously back then I was still in the closet, living as a boy. I always knew something was off, but I never knew how to say it, and even when I did figure it out, I was scared to tell them. We were best friends, of course, yet I had no idea if they would react well or not, and I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. When I started going through puberty though, it started being worse for me. My body was changing in ways that were just so wrong that I couldn't bare it anymore._

 _I told my mom first, and of course she was supportive; she said she always suspected I was a girl, but wanted me to decide for myself who I was. She started buying me girl's clothes and stuff like that the last year of middle school. Of course I never wore them out at that time, and I didn't tell the guys what was going on. I figured I could keep it secret for the time being, maybe eventually tell them after testing the waters. But, it didn't work that way._

 _One day, right at the end of the third year of middle school, Shuu found my clothes and stuff. I thought maybe at that time, it would be okay to come clean. But… it didn't go well. Keiichi was screaming and he started hitting me and… well I guess the rest is history from there on."_

Nadeshiko stopped talking, a small frown on her face. Tadase felt like crying. He didn't know what to say. "Nadeshiko…."

Nadeshiko shook her head, before smiling. "Well, I decided I might as well start being my true self after that, as there was nothing to hold me back anymore, so I started my transition right before high school started. So maybe it's a blessing they gave me that last push? I had nothing left to lose, so why not go for it? I mean-"

Tadase cut her off, practically lunging across the table to wrap his arms around her. He held her tight to his chest, weaving his fingers into her hair.

"Tadase?" she asked, unsure.

He didn't reply, he couldn't. Tears were running down his cheeks, his mind was spinning rapidly. He knew it had been hard for her, of course he did, but he hadn't known it had been like this. He hadn't realized just how horrible Keiichi and the others were. He wanted to keep Nadeshiko in his arms and never let her go. It was so much worse than what he had gone through. He had always had Amu and Kukai, always had someone on his side. But who did Nadeshiko have? Through all of it, the people who were supposed to support her the most had stabbed her back the most violently.

He wanted to say he was sorry, but it didn't feel right, nor was it enough to convey the depth of emotion he was feeling in that moment.

Instead, after holding her in his arms for a long time, he said the only thing that felt right in his heart. "I love you."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It was the middle of December when Tadase though he was busted. His father had come into his room as he studied, telling him to come in to the kitchen, that "your mother and I want to speak with you."

This was never a good sign for him. It wasn't as if Tadase had ever really misbehaved, except for the occasional B in English, or when he'd accidentally broken something valuable. But no, the last time his parents had called him in like this, the last time this had happened, it had been to tell him about his uncle.

Oh God, they knew. They most definitely knew.

Tadase straightened up the books he had been working with as slow as humanly possible, and walked downstairs as if he were rivalling a snail. When he reached the kitchen, his parents were sitting together on the same side of the table , an immovable opposition against him. His throat felt dry. His stomach lurched. He was gonna puke. They knew, they had to know.

Tadase sat down across from them, his hands shaking. He didn't want to meet their eye, but worried that looking down would convey the hidden guilt he felt, and that all their suspicions would be confirmed.

"Tadase," his father started slowly, "We know that that is move has been hard on you, and we really appreciate you being so diligent with your studies despite the hardships our family has gone through this past year."

No one ever mentioned his uncle anymore. After the incident had come to pass, it had become an unofficial taboo in the family, a silent agreement to never mention him or the things he had done. But yet it was so painfully obvious every time he was referenced, that Tadase almost wished they would just come outright and say it. Of course though, they never would. And if they knew, he was going to be treated just like him.

Tadase braced himself for the worst as his mother began to speak.

"So, to thank you for your perseverance, we've got you something special for Christmas."

Wait… what? Wasn't he in trouble? Tadase held his breath.

His mother smiled…. She _never_ smiled.

"We booked a trip to Tokyo for you over the break!"

Tadase's jaw dropped. This was definitely not what he had been expecting to transpire.

"We got the train fare and hotel room all paid for! Your father even spoke to Amu and Kukai in secret, so they're planning some fun stuff for you to do! We thought maybe you could look at university campuses while you're there too, because of course-"

His mother kept rambling, but Tadase was nearly frozen in shock. They didn't know, _they didn't know!_ Tadase was so happy he could almost cry. They didn't know about Nadeshiko!

Wait- _they didn't know about Nadeshiko._ Tadase couldn't help himself; his face split into a wide grin.

This was _perfect._

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The station was cold. Tadase had wrapped a scarf around his neck, pulling it up to cover his mouth. His ears were red; he should have worn a hat, but it was buried deep in his duffle bag and he was too anxious to take the time to dig it out now. There were plenty of open seats to pass the time in, only an old couple was seated down the terminal, holding hands as they awaited the upcoming train, but Tadase was much too restless to sit still. He tapped his foot restlessly, trying to channel out some of his excess energy. His fingers drummed against his thigh.

The last time he had been in a relationship he'd been 15, and he certainly hadn't spent a week staying in the same room as his girlfriend back them.

Before Tadase's thoughts could start spiraling completely out of control, a voice cut through the frigid air, "Sorry I'm late! Mom wouldn't stop fussing!"

His heart almost stopped. It was just a normal scene, it _should_ have been a normal scene. He'd seen plenty of cute girls standing around a train station before (he lived in Tokyo for 17 years, of course he had) but something about the current situation was just so extraordinary. The image of Nadeshiko standing there, half of her curled hair pulled off her hair, cheeks rosy from the cold, a long white coat over a pink skirt and heeled shoes, was almost too much for Tadase to process.

Maybe it was because Tadase had never seen her dressed like that in public before- it had always been her school uniform or casual clothes at her house. Maybe it was because her makeup application had been much more liberal, not confined to the strict regulations of a dress code. Maybe it was because he'd never seen her style her hair like that.

Maybe it was because she was smiling at him, happy to travel with him, wanting to be with him.

Tadase jerked himself back to reality as Nadeshiko approached him. "Oh, no problem. We still have a couple of minutes before the train comes."

"That's good," Nadeshiko stood there, smiling at him. Tadase suddenly felt overly conscious of his hands hanging at his sides and the redness of his ears. Should he hug her as a greeting? Was that normal here?

The two fell into a heavy silence, Tadase's thoughts spiraling through his head. He glanced over at Nadeshiko. She was wringing her hands, biting her lip as she looked off into the distance.

As if with the sole purpose of saving Tadase from his awkward self-awareness, the jingle signalling the approaching train echoed through the station. Nadeshiko jumped, and despite himself Tadase let out a small laugh. She turned to him, and indignant look on her face. "I told you I've only taken the train like twice before!"

"Sorry, sorry. I just didn't expect you to be a scaredy cat," Tadase grinned, nudging her shoulder.

Nadeshiko smacked his arm. "Shut up! I'm just nervous today!"

She was grinning, but paused after she finished talking, her eyes darting away from his. Ah, she probably didn't mean to say that.

Tadase wanted to say something comforting, but as the train sped into the station all he could managed was "me too."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The train ride was fairly typical (although what else would one expect from a train). Since it was the first departure of the day, and it was the season where people were leaving the city not heading in, the car was fairly vacant.

Tadase had put their bags in the overhead carrier. Nadeshiko had of course attempted to take care of her own, and Tadase knew she was certainly capable of doing so, but the whole principle of the thing had him racing to grab it from her hands. Nadeshiko may have sighed and insisted she was capable, but it didn't stop the blush forming on her cheeks.

For some reason the start of the ride was awkward. The two of them had spent so much time together over the past several weeks, talking both in person and online, but the whole situation was just so new to both of them that Tadase was strongly reminded of their first introduction, that day on the class trip.

Although there was a slight sense of unease between them, Tadase didn't particularly feel uncomfortable; his nervousness kept his mind racing and his mouth shut, yet Nadeshiko's presence was so comfortable that he realized as the time passed there was no place he'd rather be.

Tadase glanced over to Nadeshiko seated beside him. She was looking out the window, watching the frosty winter scenery race by. Her face was blank, a mask as always. He had come to know that the girl pushed herself to keep her emotions hidden, instead only letting an air of confidence or even indifference show, no doubt due to the treatment she experienced every day. Surely it was the only way she wouldn't go insane. Yet like an amateur poker player, she had her tells.

Well… perhaps not so amateur.

Tadase was sure that if he hadn't spent quite so much time with her he would never have been able to notice the way the corners of her lips twitched, or the way her slim fingers teased the end of her scarf.

They'd never been together in public before, but they knew nobody on the train , and they were miles from home, so it wasn't particularly brave, but Tadase, struck with the regret that he hadn't done it long ago, reached over and took her hand in his.

He could feel Nadeshiko's eyes on him, but he couldn't bare to meet her gaze, knowing that if he did his soul would be bared. He just kept his gaze straight ahead, the back of his neck growing hot.

God, he must be so red.

As his heart pounded within his chest, Tadase felt a light weight lay itself on his on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to see that Nadeshiko had laid her head on him. She always seemed so much cooler than him, yet from what he could make out there was a faint pink creeping up her cheeks.

Tadase smiled, and as his nervousness disappeared he rested his head atop hers.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Tadase cursed his mother for routing them through Shinjuku station. Going through the busiest station in the world during the biggest travel days of the year… well, you could imagine the rest.

Nadeshiko looked incredibly overwhelmed, at least for her. And Tadase could hardly blame here; even as a native of Tokyo he found himself a bit surprised, There were more people in this station right now than all of Nadeshiko's hometown out together,

He had to give her credit for maintaining a level head though, and Nadeshiko surely wasn't a child, yet Tadase felt oddly protective of her in that moment, and was nervous at the prospect of her getting swept up in a wave of travelers and whisked across the station. Luckily, he had been in this station more times than he could count, and knew exactly where they were headed.

"Here, follow me."

Tadase took Nadeshiko's hand in his to lead her through the crowd. There was the nagging feeling in his gut that everyone could see them, that he was holding her hand in such a public place, yet he purposely pushed it down as he told himself he didn't care.

Here, at least, they could be just another couple.

Tadase fought to keep his face cool as he lead her throughout the station, yet he was unable to keep the grin from taking over his face.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Checking into the hotel had been extremely nerve-wracking. The receptionist checking them in was of course nothing but professional, yet the young bellhop (what kind of hotel had his mother booked anyway? She really must have felt sorry for him) gave him a sly grin when Nadeshiko's back was turned. After dropping off the bags and turning to leave the room, he even gave Tadase a wink and a thumbs up. Tadase was mortified, yet felt a sense of pride surge through his chest.

They were due to meet Amu and Kukai for dinner so they did not have much time to loiter around the room. Both of them pointedly ignored the single bed in the room (of course it was a single bed, his mother had thought he would be traveling alone after all!) and made no mention of the sleeping arrangements that would be to come.

Thankfully, his mother had done something right and booked a hotel near where Amu lived, so they only had a brief ride on the subway to get to the restaurant. The seats were all taken, so Tadase ended up standing close to Nadeshiko as they rode.

"Don't be nervous."

Nadeshiko looked shocked to be read so openly. "How could you tell?"

"You keep tapping your fingers on the railing."

Nadeshiko's fingers quite deliberately came to a stop.

Tadase almost laughed, but refrained himself for fear of embarrassing her. "Don't worry, Kukai and Amu are _way_ nicer than anyone at school; they're actually my friends."

If someone offered them a million dollars to shoot him, Tadase was certain Amu and Kukai would refuse. Keiichi on the other hand….

Tadase may still be spending his school days hanging out with the group of them, but the more time they spent together the more distant he felt. He had originally hoped that eventually he would grow the nerve to confess his relationship with Nadeshiko, that they would grow close enough that they would no longer see it as a grave sin, but if anything he know felt that this was all the more impossible.

It was ridiculous, the amount of hate they spewed at Nadeshiko. Even when they were talking amongst themselves, Keiichi was straight up abusive. It seemed that as though the group bore some strange personal grudge against her, as if being a woman had been a personal attack against them. Tadase was certainly curious, and he had tried breaching the subject once or twice, it never got him anywhere. Shuu and Takeshi had been dismissive, not really letting anything out other than "fucking tranny," and he didn't dare approach Keiichi about it, knowing already just how volatile the boy was. After the discussion of their past friendship Nadeshiko hadn't ever revealed anything else, and she seemed uncomfortable even mentioning them, so Tadase didn't try to talk about it with her anymore. Although, he wondered if his friendship with the boys was putting a strain on her.

But that didn't matter right now. Keiichi and the others weren't there. It was just Nadeshiko and him. And they were going to meet up with Amu and Kukai, the only people (besides the girl beside him) that he was able to trust, the only people who had stuck with him through everything.

Tadase smiled. "They're going to love you."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

And Tadase was right

Although Nadeshiko had been worried, Tadase was simply excited. Not just for the opportunity to see his friends again, but for the sake of Nadeshiko being able to have a normal friendship. There was not a doubt in his mind that Amu would fall in love with her immediately, and surely Kukai would like her too; there were few people that it was even possible for him to dislike.

He heard Amu before he saw her, a loud shriek of "Tadase!" and then a short girl with bright pink hair charging at him from out of the crowd, colliding with him with the force of a truck as she threw her arms around him. Tadase laughed, stumbling backwards as he fought to keep them upright.

"Hinamori! Wait up next time!" Tadase's grin widened as the tall, athletic body of his best friend bounded to them.

Amu pulled back, smiling up at him hugely. "It's so good to see you!"

Before, or at least since their breakup, Tadase would always feel a pang in his heart when he looked into Amu's eyes. But miraculously, this time- nothing. Or, perhaps not so miraculously he thought, as Amu's lit up and turned away, as if she suddenly realized he was not alone.

Amu turned to Nadeshiko, an even bigger grin splitting across her face. "It's so nice to finally meet you Nadeshiko! You can call me Amu!"

Amu pulled Nadeshiko into a hug before the other girl could resist, and Tadase couldn't help but stifle a laugh at the surprised look on his girlfriend's face.

"Oh, it's nice to meet you too," Nadeshiko replied, a bit uncertainly, as Amu pulled back.

By this point Kukai had finally reached the group, but he practically ignored Tadase to focus on the girl standing besides him. "Damn, Tadase, she's even hotter than you said she was!"

Tadase's face heated up. Leave it to Kukai to do something to embarrass him right off the get go. "Kukai-"

"I know right!" Amu interrupted, still gripping Nadeshiko's hands from when she'd pulled away from the hug, "She's gorgeous! And your skin's so clear! You'll have to tell me your regimen! And your hair!"

As Amu gushed, Nadeshiko's uncertain eyes met Tadase's. He grinned, and nodded his head at her.

Kukai still seemed to be in a state of shock. "Man, bro. I can't believe you landed such a babe!"

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

While everyone had hit it off incredibly well right away and the dinner went smoothly, Tadase wasn't sure if he could say the same about the night in the hotel. He had kept to his side of the bed with all the will he muster, he faced the wall determinedly, and feigned sleep when Nadeshiko emerged from the bathroom before bed. Yet even though he pretended to sleep, he barely caught a wink, too preoccupied with the presence of the girl beside him.

Why was he so nervous? It wasn't like he was a virgin. After all he and Amu had…. He did not want to think about that right now; it felt incredibly gross.

It wasn't as though Nadeshiko was expecting anything. She'd even told him as much, that other time, and that she would understand completely if he was unable to because of, well, just the nature of things.

But as weird as the thought was, Tadase didn't quite think it was the content of Nadeshiko's pants that was making him so nervous. He'd never really worried about gay or straight or whatever before, never found it to be a big deal, so even if Nadeshiko was _lacking_ certain aspects, it didn't seem gross to him. He'd even looked up online the logistics and all that. So it wasn't like he was scared because of Nadeshiko.

Well, strike that. It was because of Nadeshiko. Just not because of her body or her anatomy, but instead because _it was Nadeshiko_. The whole time they dated, he had been sure he loved Amu, yet this love he had for Nadeshiko seemed like a whole different field. It was like comparing a kindergarten crush to a wife.

But if Nadeshiko knew about the restlessness she had caused Tadase, she didn't show any indication of it. And the next day went by smoothly, just as expected.

Kukai was busy during the morning, so Amu declared that she was going to take Nadeshiko to Harajuku ("and of course Tadase can come along, if he wants") to do some clothes shopping.

Although a day wandering around Harajuku was not exactly Tadase's idea of a fun time (although he could always grab a crepe or something, he supposed), he wasn't going to be left behind on such an excursion, and as such was left to play the role of the dutiful boyfriend carrying the bags.

He had to admit, it was nice to see Nadeshiko having such a good time. Turned out she was really into fashion, and she and Amu were flitting around the stores with enough energy to power all of Tokyo.

At one point, as Tadase was knocked out on a bench, Amu dragged Nadeshiko to the fitting rooms. "Here you need to try this on!"

"Oh," Nadeshiko stuttered, taken aback by the sudden demand, trying to find words as Amu moved to pull her in to the fitting room behind her. "I can go in my own."

Amu laughed. "Don't be dumb. We're both girls we can go in together."

Nadeshiko's face flushed red, did she really not know? "Did, um, did Tadase not tell you…."

Amu huffed, frowning as she let go of Nadeshiko's arm. The taller girl was hesitant, standing there. She didn't really want to reveal everything here, and they were getting along so well was it just going to be ruined again.

"Nadeshiko, I said don't be dumb! Of course he told me. Like I said _we're both girls_ so there's nothing wrong with trying on clothes together."

Nadeshiko felt like crying, but then her makeup would smear and it would cause a huge scene so she just shuffled in after Amu.

As she changed, Amu spoke rapidly. "It's not as though he purposefully outed you or anything, but of course we talk all the time. He kept talking about how there was a gorgeous girl who was bullied and he couldn't figure out why. Well, eventually figured out why so of course he told me, not knowing that I would ever meet you or anything. And then, voila, you ended up dating! To be honest I saw it coming a mile away; he was nuts about you before you even spoke."

It was kind of strange for Nadeshiko to hear about all of this from Tadase's point of view, but she supposed it had to explain why he had taken a liking to her so quickly. Plus, it was kind of nice to know that she passed well enough that Tadase couldn't even notice until he was told.

Amu looked at Nadeshiko and shook her head. "Maybe I should have grabbed red instead? I don't like that blue on you. Let's go try a different one."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Tadase felt like pacing around the hotel room, but thought maybe that would give something away, that Nadeshiko would hear him as she busied herself in the bathroom, so he restless tapped his foot instead.

 _Kukai had pulled him away during dinner at Amu's house that night as Amu's little sister dragged the girls to her room to look at the new dress she had bought. He nudged Tadase's shoulder, a cheeky grin on his face. "So… you and Fujisaki."_

 _Tadase raised an eyebrow. He had made it pretty clear what the nature of their relationship was months ago. What on earth was he questioning at this point? "Yeah…?"_

" _How's it like?" Kukai was smirking way too much for such an average question._

 _Tadase tilted his head. "I told you, our relationship is going well, I guess except at school because-"_

" _No!" Kukai cut him off, his grin dropping into a scowl, "I mean the sex!"_

" _What!?" Tadase felt his face heat up; he had not expected this. Kukai hadn't ever asked about Amu, so he was completely off guard._

 _Kukai shrugged. "Well, I mean, I figure it would be different just 'cause, but I bet she's good in the sack, right? She does have a sort of mischievous look about her sometimes."_

" _I, uh, what!" Tadase couldn't get the words from his brain to his mouth. "It's not- we haven't-"_

 _Kukai's expression turned even more sour. "You seriously haven't done it yet? Why not? Scared?"_

" _I'm not scared! Just… nervous," Tadase scratched his nose._

" _You want to, right?"_

 _Tadase paused. Did he? He thought of Nadeshiko, laying next to him on the bed, so close yet so far away. He thought of that first time in her room. He thought of the class trip._

 _Tadase swallowed. "Yeah… I want to."_

 _Kukai's face split into a huge grin. "Well go get it then!"_

Well, Kukai might have said it in a way that seemed so easy, but Tadase felt like he was asking something impossible from him. His palms had never seemed so sweaty before, and his heart was beating so fast he was sure he was seconds away from going into cardiac arrest.

The door to the bathroom opened. Nadeshiko was standing there, perhaps surprised that he was still standing up after running away to bed the night before. She entered the room slowly, as if she was unsure if she should be there. She was wearing a short, floral printed nightgown. He had for some reason thought, or perhaps hoped, that she would be wearing a sexy negligee or something of the sort, but still, he couldn't complain. Even with her makeup washed off, and her hair down, in simple pajamas, she was still beautiful.

"What, do I have something on my face?" Nadeshiko asked, smirking at him as if she already knew the answer.

He wasn't going to hesitate anymore.

Tadase walked up to her and cupped her face in his hands. He kissed her, slow and gentle, before pulling away.

"Come to bed."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

 _please lower the lights  
_ _when I breathe onto your slender neck  
_ _which lacks a single hair  
_ _my body trembles  
_ _that's how much I like you  
_ _you can't get a stain on your pure heart  
_ _so please love me  
_ _there's only the beginning  
_ _the end is far away_

 _-The Black Skirts, Hollywood_

A/N: Finally this hell chapter is over! Also yes, they had sex. If you want to see more of that encounter, head over to the AO3 version.

A couple of side notes. After having a very clear vision in my head of how I want this story to end for sooo damn long, I have decided to reconsider it. But I'll let you know all about that next chapter, which will be the final chapter.

This chapter was so hard for me because, if you're not aware, I never write fluff! So when Tadase started getting all mushy I was trying so hard to run away lol. Next chapter should be easier, and much more my speed lol.

Also! The title for this fic comes from the song EVERYTHING by the Black Skirts. Please go listen to it! If I had to pick a theme song for this story that would be it for sure! But they also have such an amazing discography that I recommend checking out their music for sure!

Anyway, next chapter will be up at the latest the end of March, hopefully sooner depending on how things go. If you feel like doing so, please leave a review! I love concrit, and any feedback you've got.


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